What the Smith Boys Said This Year

December 22^nd

Nathan, eyeing Derrick’s new bottle of Korean hot sauce: “Next time, you should get the North Korean hot sauce. The bottle is empty and if you complain, they kill you.”

December 22^nd:

Truman, to Julie: “You smell like Chapstick and old people.”

December 24^th:

Truman, to Nathan: “Socks with sandals? What kind of a monster are you?”

December 25^th:

Nathan, for reasons unclear, wears a hot dog costume to Christmas dinner. He ends up in a disagreement with Derrick (about whether a bass guitar player needs to learn how to read music) and, at the point when the argument is going poorly for him, says, “But you are arguing with someone in a hot dog costume.”

March 5^th:

Truman: “When you pray, do you have to say ‘amen’? Is it like pressing the ‘send’ button on an email?”

March 9^th:

Truman: “Mom, in the scriptures does it say that you can’t eat raw eggs?”

March 13^th:

Nathan: “Can I use these pickles?”

Julie: “Yes, but please be conservative with them.”

Nathan, addressing the pickles: “No gay marriage! No raising taxes!”

March 13^th:

Truman is choking down horseradish-flavored potato chips with obvious distaste.

Derrick: “You know, you don’t have to eat those.”

Truman: “I’m practicing eating gross food for when I am a missionary.”

March 19^th:

Nathan’s solution to gender-based pay inequality: “We should invent a third gender and they would get to make all of the hiring decisions.”

March 20^th:

Nathan: “I’ve got a better way to choose the president. At the inauguration, the president should toss the Bible over his shoulder into the crowd and whoever catches it should be the next president.”

March 20^th:

Julie: “Nathan, you are adorable.”

Nathan: “No! Stop that! That’s bullying!”

March 22^nd:

Simon: “Facebook is just a giant confirmation bias box.”

March 24^th:

Julie is explaining to Truman that the skate discount applies only to family members; Truman responds, “But we are all children of Adam and Eve.”

April 10^th:

Nathan: “What if love for parents is nothing more than Stockholm Syndrome?”

May 20^th:

Truman: “Where’s Nathan?”
Julie: “I think he’s upstairs. Why?
Truman: “Because the word gullible IS in the dictionary!”

May 27^th:

Truman: “Aren’t Canadians just shaved wolves that can vote?”

June 23^rd:

Truman: “Does me sleeping curled up in a ball decrease my growth rate?”

June 29^th

Truman: “Does it count as a lie if you tell a turkey that it will be OK after Thanksgiving? Does it count as a lie since the animal can’t understand what you are saying?”

July 13^th

Nathan, re his birthday: “I’m always happy to be one year closer to death.”

Truman, re whether Nathan was telling the truth about how old he’s turning: “I’ve learned with this family that it’s always best to check more than one source.”

July 14^th:

Truman: “What’s for dinner?”

Julie: “Cheeseburger pasta.”

Truman: “And how will you accomplish that?”

July 18^th:

Nathan, who normally hates the poems he has to memorize: “See, this poem [=“The Charge of the Light Brigade”] I actually like because it is about six hundred men riding into the mouth of hell. Why can’t I get more poems like this?”

July 28^th:

Simon: “Hey, mom, there are three articles in The Economist that say that intelligence has more to do with genetics than parenting, so can I be free-range?”

August 2^nd:

Things you never thought you’d have to say:

Julie: “Truman, no more decorating things in your room with your own blood.”

September 13^th:

Nathan: “Was Jonah kosher or is that whale going to hell?”

September 22^nd:

Julie: “You are so delicious, I could eat you for breakfast!”

Truman: “That’s kind of demeaning.”

September 26^th:

Truman: “What do people _do_ in heaven? Is it all sitting around on couches and eating chips?”

Julie: “We can only hope.”

October 18^th:

Nathan makes a really bad pun.

Julie: “You’re lame!”

Nathan: “We really need to do something about the bullying problem in our school.”

October 31^st:

Nathan is complaining about sentences that end with prepositions.

Simon: “It’s idiomatic. Which means that enough idiots have said it that it has become OK.”

November 3^rd:

Truman: “Have you ever used a placebo on us?”

November 23^rd:

Julie: (choking on her lunch, can’t catch her breath)

Simon: “If you die, may I have your laptop?”
December 4^th:

Julie: “Hm, I forgot my grocery bags. Guess we have to use the plastic ones this time.”

Nathan: “What? You will be personally responsible for the destruction of the rain forest! How can you look one of those adorable little koalas in the eye and–”

Julie: “THERE ARE NO KOALAS IN THE RAIN FOREST!”

Nathan: “Yes there are! I know my geology! Are you doubting my koala-fications here? Because if I told you I was an expert on big cats, then I’d be lion, but I know koalas!”

 

Previous entries here.