When I arrived in Japan as a missionary, my trainer was Elder Wynder. The most important thing he taught me was the “Three C’s”. Maybe the rest of you learned these as kids (it seems like the kind of thing you’d hear in Primary), but I’d never heard them before.
- Don’t Complain
- Don’t Compare
- Don’t Criticize
I made them my personal creed as a missionary, though I haven’t always lived up to them. They’ve covered a lot of ground for me. Of course, they’re not 100% all-the-time commandments. Sometimes there are problems that really need to be complained about in order to fix them. Sometimes comparison helps us discover what we can be. And criticism…well, maybe there’s never a good reason to criticize.
My own contribution to the list is my “One S”:
- Avoid Sarcasm
Sarcasm is the unblockable attack. When someone hurts you with sarcasm, getting defensive just makes you look wimpy and hypersensitive (and they can always respond with, “Hey, it was just a joke. Lighten up.”)
Were you taught the “Three C’s” growing up? And what would you add to (or remove from) the list?
in a world full of insanity, sarcasm is your window to fresh air.
Well, that’s just dandy, Dane! Bring in the 3 C’s and shut down the Bloggernacle, why doncha?!
I think my mother tried to teach me the 3 C’s without calling them that. Clearly they haven’t taken yet, but don’t give up on me. In the past few years her lessons about making my bed and washing behind my ears have started to click, so maybe I’ll eventually catch up to her manners, too.
Sarcasm really does shut down any communication (well, unless it’s directed at oneself or can in no way be taken seriously, as I hope is the case with my first paragraph). I finally had to end a very important personal friendship with a colleague because of sarcasm. I could take the difference in religious belief, the difference in what constituted adequate historical evidence, all of that, but I couldn’t take the constant barrage of sarcasm directed toward me, the church, and mutual friends with whom he disagreed professionally. As you say, there was no defense — the comeback was always “can’t you take a joke?” and the only alternatives, asking candidly for a cessation of the sarcasm and not responding to do, didn’t work. Sarcasm kills.
If only I could always remember that before I fall into it myself …
I have personally pulled way back on my use of sarcasm lately, unless I can clearly feel that I am using it as Ardis described above (where it can no way be taken seriously). Then I think it can be a wonderful smile-maker.
I used to hear so much sarcasm, particularly political, on the airwaves that it just started to turn my stomach.
One of my favorite part of my interrogation training (besides the waterboarding) was an option training on “conversational terrorism” – how to command or control any conversation, and if necessary to cripple it. I’d have to go back through the materials, but there were about 6 different ways it described that sarcasm could be used. I think all but one were used to cripple the conversation completely so that you could steer it off into a more productive path.
Sarcasm is good for humor, but terrible for trying to enhance communication especially online when tone and body language are absent. Example: did you catch my sarcasm above?
Your three C’s are great. I see a refrigerator poster in our family’s future…
I had one missionary companion in particular with whom I had a very sarcastic relationship. In our effort to inject some levity into our otherwise quite serious relationship we fell to sarcasm, and within weeks it had a devastating result. Thankfully we were only together a couple of months; it was one of my most difficult companionships.
There is a vast difference between sarcasm and self-deprecating humor. The first tends toward passive agressive control. The second admits humility and invites a gentler approach.
There is such a thing as fun, lighthearted sarcasm. Definitely different than mean sarcasm.
In our family we say “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” No complaining allowed.
I think any additions should also be “C’s.” For example, “Don’t be sarcastic” could perhaps be phrased “Don’t be cute (meaning sarcastic).”
Does “cute” mean “sarcastic”? I’m not familiar with that usage. I’m all for people being cute.
Ardis nailed it with her first line. I think the three Cs and S are like spices — a dash here and there makes things tasty. But sometimes the bloggernacle serves up a basil, cilantro, and parsley salad and offers salt and pepper on the side.
It’s true you’d not want to disparage something in most contexts positive. “Don’t be clever”?–no no no you’d want people to be smart. “Cheeky”?, too english (meaning brit). “/C/uttingly tongue-in-/c/heek”?
Or you could just change it to “Don’t be Czarcastic” ;)
I have a suggestion for a sarcasm “c” — “contempt,” which is really much worse, and is what I remember from a relationship book I read once. The author said he could tell which partners were going to make it based on how (not if) they argued. Those who showed contempt were in trouble, and I believe it.
So I went on a date with this girl one time, and the entire time was a sarcasm fest. We both dished it out, and we both took it with smiles on our faces. Three days later she dumped me over the phone, saying that when she was with me, she was too sarcastic. I’m still kind of pissed over that one. I would say that the lesson learned is to avoid sarcasm, except that in the moment, we had a wonderful time. I’m not sure where this leaves me in these rules.
I’ve been told by those familiar, that President Hinckley used to repeat the old saying, “sarcasm is the recourse of a weak mind”. I’ve never been able to find him actually saying it, but this, from a talk given at BYU in 1974, offers some insight into his feelings on the matter, which are similar to my own:
heheh I love it!
(Merriam-Webster: cute \?kyüt\ adj. cut·er; cut·est [short for acute, ca. 1731] (1.a) clever or shrewd often in an underhanded manner (1.b) impertinent, smart-alecky: “don’t get cute with me” (2) attractive or pretty especially in a childish, youthful, or delicate way (3) obviously straining for effect — cute·ly, adv. — cute·ness, noun)
As for additional rule, I would add another “C”, for competition. I know it may seem controversial, but for me I cannot act in competition and avoid the pitfalls of pride. In my experience, the spirit of competition exists in-parallel with placing my trust in the arm of flesh and not trusting in the Lord. Plus, competition is distracting. When goals shift from quality toward winning, compromises become inevitable.
Martin #9
See, there you go again…criticizing and complaining about the ‘nacle!
I agree on competition being in there, too. I can get competitive, and I see that when I do, I’m my worst version of myself.
Of course, being competitive is similar to comparing. So maybe you don’t need to add anything.
Also – I would suggest a “Do” – be grateful. It’s hard to criticize, complain, or compare when we’re being grateful instead.
@Catania #18,
That is a wonderful point. I recall a leader discussing how he’d been trying to stop back-biting and build unity by quelling negativity. He soon discovered he was more busy putting out fires than actually improving things. He finally realized the problem and taught, “we often tell people, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all’, but that only makes a bunch of silent angry people; it never actually changes how you feel.”
It’s a lot easier to do good things than stop doing the bad.
I’ll spare commenters any more reading, but I’ve actually got a blog post about it over at You Should Be.
Good points, Catania and Gdub. I think Pres. Hickley’s six (or nine?) “B’s” are the positive counterpoint to this. If you’re doing the B’s, then you won’t have time for the C’s.
Btw my LOLZ @ #15 were at czar-castic @ #11. Whose legit etymology is sarkos, “flesh,” for sarkasmos, “to flay.”
And what would be a good folk etymology for ksarcasm? How about ksar as a alternate street pronunciation of scar (e/g as aks is for ask?)? Then, in a type of street rhyming slang (such as fo’ sizzle, my nizzle, meaning “for sure, my man”), ksarcasm would derive from scar kissom: “a scar occasioned among kith and kin.”
Ah but all of that is simply too craaazy. Since, of course, its meaning can be much more succinctly rendered: No CRACKS. Thus, four C’s.
No CARPS (carping). No COMPARES (c’pares: comparisons). No CRAPS (crappings-on). No CRACKS (sarcasm).
Or four K’s. No kvetchings. No tally keepings. No knocks. No verbally keen contratemps.
WoB, I just finally realized that your moniker is WraIth of Blake and not Wrath of Blake (which I took as an allusion to the “Wrath of God” card from M:TG). Tell you the truth, I kind of liked imagining you as the personification of Blake’s anger, like Urizen or something.
Great ideas. I realized several years ago that my family growing up used lots of sarcasm, and that I sometimes hurt people I care about with it. This thread increases my motivation to abandon it for good.
I remember my only American companion on my mission, he was sarcastic all the time and it was hard for me to tell when he wasn’t being sarcastic. Once he made a negative comment about the mission president’s wife and it was undetectable so I disagreed, then he said he was being sarcastic and got annoyed. I rarely felt comfortable with him since I didn’t feel I always knew what he meant.
Dane:
Yeah, I think that’s better than Wraith. Maybe I’ll change to that.
__ __ __
I keep messing with mnemonics:
__ Revamped 4 C’s __
Cut (insecure-) Comparisons
Cut (oft-) Complaints
Cut (malicious) Critiques
Cut (arch) cleverness
__ __ __
__ “C-R-A-S-S – LESSNESS” means— __
– No CRACKS! (cracking jokes at others’ expense)
– No CRANKS! (tendencies for crankiness)
– No CRAPS! (piling on harsh criticism)
– No CRAVES (resent about anothers’ good lot–their positive treatment, recognized abilities, etc.–or resent about any lack of recognition of our own exceptionalism
__ __ __
__ Four Q’s __
__ Q. __ Quit equivalency quibbling
__ U. __ Quit questionable querulousness
__ I. __ Quit quisling critique
__ T. __ Quit burlesque piquancy
[sarcasm]First of all, I hate lists. Do we need another list?
Second, this seems a lot like all of the other lists we are given.
Thirdly, why be so negative? Try and form it as Do’s instead of don’ts.
There, I broke all three. [/sarcasm]
Do I get a prize?! (There, broke the fourth. Now I feel like crap.)
Ccokies, cakes, croissants, and strudel.
This list is beyond possibility for me. So I will choose to ignore it and let all of you go on your merry celestial ways whilst I wallow in my terrestrialness.
P.S. I love you, WillF.
I really like aphorism. They are so much a part of the propogation and maintanence of wisdom throughout the ages, especially in pre-literate times–a misnomer; I should say “pre-writing”–but they are no-more less so, now, I don’t think. In reading Dane Laverty’s post and its thread, it sprang to mind that Rudyard Kipling’s “If–” suggests its aphorisms in a positive way. So I reverse engineered its statements to “Don’t do” form while maintaining a predilection for the letter C. Without further ado, here is–
__ __ __
“IF— ,” Rudyard Kipling (1895 [And with 21 Annotations])
__ __ __
i. [Don’t counteract one’s fellows’ behavior in such a manner as to cop out to important duties at hand.]
ii. [Don’t be “controlled” by others’ criticisms.]
iii. [But don’t completely contravene their substance, either.]
iv. [Don’t chafe at completing compellingly central commitments even when their consummations seems hard to catch.]
v. [Don’t carry on in cageyness even to counter calumniation.]
vi. [Per Shannon’s No. 12: Don’t convey contempt even toward the conteptuous.]
vii. [Don’t be so cocky or else let communications get controlled by self-regard.]
viii. [Certainly don’t constrain the creative imagination.]
ix. [But then don’t carelessly–and too carefree-ly–cling to the same, either.]
x. [Also don’t constrain one’s cognitions.]
xi. [Still, make these same as capable as possible (oops; that is stated positively) and don’t confine these same only to those that are but clever games.]
xii. [Don’t be controlled by others’ regard.]
xiii. [Don’t candidly combat cheats or else–“feed trolls.”]
xiv. [Don’t complain about the changes characteristic of chance.]
xv. [Don’t cower with regard to crucial callings close-by.]
xvi. [Don’t be crass–to get chummy that cheaply.]
xv. [Don’t be so constrained by caution as to have eyes forever cast down or else be subservently crawling.]
xvi. [Or, by opposite token, don’t come to be a condescending creep, either.]
xvii. [Don’t let any concern for others’ contentment cripple or crush oneself, leaving oneself crestfallen, chagrined.]
xviii. [Don’t close off from others–don’t cocoon.]
xix. [But don’t too-“contrivedly” court favor, either.]
xx. [ Don’t cycle the clock on the couch or in coffee breaks more than chores.]
xxi. [The condusive contagion for these conceptions will contribute more than chump change.]