What the Smith Boys Said This Year

This year, Simon turned nine, Nathan turned six, and Truman turned three. For previous installments, see here, here, and here.

Nathan, handing Julie a 3 x 5 note card: “Mommy, please write everything you know on this piece of paper.”

Sunday school teacher: “Please stand up if you like green.”
Nathan: “I like nontranslucent green only.”

Nathan: “When Jesus comes, I’ll have to quit my superhero job because all the evil will either die, explode, or disintegrate.”

Nathan: “OK, Truman, time for your lobotomy.”

Santa: “What do you want for Christmas?”
Nathan: “A carbonite maker.”
Santa: “Who are you going to put in carbonite?”
Nathan: “Mass murderers.”

Radio: “. . . they used to laugh and call him names!”
Simon: “Like Tycho!”
Julie: “Tycho Brahe?”
Simon: “Yes! Because of his nose!”

Simon and Nathan burst into tears when we announce that we plan on moving to a new house. Careful questioning reveals that they are both devastated at the thought of leaving their mud pit in the backyard.

Nathan: “Mom, do you get to pick who your relatives are before you come to earth?”
Mom: “That’s a very interesting question. I don’t know.”
Nathan: “I don’t think you get to pick because I wouldn’t have picked Simon.”

Julie got into the habit of listening to Simon’s piano lessons from another room without watching him. Today she peeked in on him to find him lying down on the piano bench and playing with his eyes shut. He still sounded pretty good.
Nathan, eating pizza: “This is better than hardtack.”

Derrick: “Would you like some of that egg thing we had for dinner last night—you know, with the crust and the ham?”
Nathan: “You mean the quiche?”

Simon reading a logo: “‘ACE is a helpful place’ . . . which means that they are a desperate company trying to make money.”

Julie is smooshed up against the very edge of the (king-sized) bed. The only other occupant in the bed, Truman, says, “Little room, please!”

Julie: “You get to go to nursery today!”
Truman: “No nursery! IKEA!”

Nathan: “Church is boring. I can’t learn anything there because my head is full of naughtiness.”

Nathan, right before kicking the nurse who was giving him a shot: “You ugly cretin!”

Nathan: “Thanks for the frosting, Mom. It was so good when I put the chocolate chips on it that I almost cried.”

Julie: “Nathan, you sure are cute!”
Truman: “Me cute too!”

Nathan: “Mom, if I’m really, really good, can I have an A bomb for Christmas?”

Nathan demonstrated the mating dance that he is going to do when he meets the woman he wants to marry.

Julie: “In the new house, you’ll have your own room.”
Truman: “Own room, own keys, own car, drive Cici’s.”
Truman is trying to screw in a real screw with a toy screwdriver: “Not working. Getting fwustwated.”

Nathan announces that he plans of having a tribe of attack bunnies to protect his bedroom.

Simon: “Mom, how do ugly things like bugs and squid reproduce? Who would be attracted to them?”

Nathan: “Yes! Another loose tooth! Now I get to be the center of attention!”

Derrick: “Truman, get down. It is very dangerous to climb on that ledge.”
Truman: “My superpowers will help me.”

Julie: “Nathan, is that your Sunday School teacher?”
Nathan: “No, it is my evil nemesis.”

Nathan: “If there is a fire, I’ll use a rope to climb out of my window, walk down _____ Road, walk down ______ Road, make a u-turn at Interstate 35 and meet you at Kaleidoscope Toy Store!”

Truman: “Daddy, I ‘fraid.”
Derrick: “What are you afraid of?”
Truman: “Monsters.”
Derrick: “Where are the monsters?”
Truman: “In the closet.”
Derrick: “Should we get them?”
Truman: “Yeah! I get my sword!”
(sounds of rummaging in the next room)
Truman, reappearing with green sword: “I ready.”
Truman and Derrick count to three and then open the closet.
Truman: “Take THAT, stupid bad guys!”
Truman swipes at the shelves in his closet a couple of times.
Derrick: “Did we get them?”
Truman: “Yeah!”

Nathan: “Mom, if you actually value what is in this house, you have to buy me a gun.”

Nathan plans to buy fish and flush them down the toilet to set them free “because I think they have brains and care about their families.”

Nathan: “Dad, I’ve led a rugged life.”

Julie: “Huh. I missed two phone calls.”
Nathan: “Did you have your phone set to evaporate?”

Truman pretends to be the Cat in the Hat by standing on a stool with a stack of oatmeal packets on his head and then falling flat on the floor.

Julie, trying really hard, but unsuccessfully, to understand what Truman is saying: “Are you talking about Arthur?”
Truman: “I don’t know what I’m talking about!”

Nathan: “I’ve been eating so much that I bet I weigh 1000 libs!” [libs=lbs.]

Julie announces that it is time to clean the house.
Nathan: “Aw, you’re going to mess up all of our hard work for nothing.”

Truman: “What’s that?”
Julie: “Orzo. Can you say orzo?”
Truman: “No, I can’t say orzo.”

Truman: “When my eyes fall out at Wal-Mart, I’ll miss them, but that’s OK because the doctor can get me new ones.”

Truman, eyeing his oatmeal: “My porridge is too hot so I’m going to go for a walk.”

Julie wipes milk and cereal off of Truman’s chin. Truman: “Hey! Give me my beard back!”

Nathan: “Mom, have you ever had the experience of growing a mustache?”

Simon: “As long as I have a tongue, I don’t need a fork!”

Truman: “You’re my favorite mommy!”

Julie snuggles up to Nathan and talks baby talk to him.
Nathan: “I am not amused.”

Nathan: “Do you think it would be OK to make a cartoon like Tom and Jerry but with God and Satan?”

Nathan: “Mom, you need to take $4 out of my allowance and put it in Simon’s.”
Julie: “Why?”
Nathan: “I lost a bet.”
Julie: “Regarding what exactly?”
Nathan: “Whether we have any tartar sauce in the house.”

Nathan: “Mom, would it be OK if Simon and I exploded water balloons?”
Julie: “In the tub, I guess.”
Nathan: “Good, because we were.”

Nathan: “Don’t you think we should act like a normal family?”

A note that Simon left:
Dear Dad,
We are playing innocently in Nathan’s room.

Derrick: “Truman, time to come inside. But you can play outside tomorrow.”
Truman: “But it is tomorrow!”

Simon to Truman as Truman is about to execute a dangerous maneuver on the playground: “Don’t worry, Truman, if you break your arm you can sue the playground!”

Nathan: “Mom, why does the bad for you stuff always taste so good?”

Nathan is crying.
Derrick: “Are you OK?”
Nathan: “Of course I’m not OK!”

Truman, wearing a red cape, announces his plan to jump off of his changing table. Derrick tells him not to. Truman assures Derrick that his cape will help him fly. Derrick suggests that this might not in fact be the case. Derrick turns around to get a diaper and . . . THUD. Truman, after being comforted and having his bloody lip tended to, announces, “I think I need a bigger cape.”

Julie’s friend Laura was watching the boys. Truman choked a little on his oatmeal. He then looked expectantly at Laura. He waited. And then said, “You are supposed to ask if I am OK.”

Nathan, holding a chunk of Truman’s hair: “Dad, I’m going to use this piece of Truman’s hair to do voodoo on him.”

28 comments for “What the Smith Boys Said This Year

  1. Chad Too
    December 14, 2007 at 3:17 pm

    A banner year! That Nathan must be quite the pistol.

  2. Ardis Parshall
    December 14, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    Let us know when Nathan gets his cartoon produced — that’s one I’d watch.

  3. December 14, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    Your Nathan is EXACTLY like my second child (she has the same wit). I wonder if birth order has anything to do with it…? :)

  4. ben
    December 14, 2007 at 3:47 pm

    Oh good. i was beginning to think I was going to have to request this this year :)

  5. Adam Greenwood
    December 14, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Nathan: “Mom, if you actually value what is in this house, you have to buy me a gun.”

    Nathan is my hero. On the other hand, your other sons would be welcome to date my girls (in time).

  6. JennyW
    December 14, 2007 at 4:00 pm

    I needed that perspective today :) Thanks!

  7. December 14, 2007 at 4:24 pm

    I look forward to this each year. Classic. What wonderful kids you have.

  8. Kevin Barney
    December 14, 2007 at 4:39 pm

    Devilish little darlings all. I always look forward to these installments.

  9. ECS
    December 14, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    Adorable! You really should publish these (besides at T&S, I mean).

  10. Matt W.
    December 14, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    Julie, you are my lds hero, my wife’s lds hero, and should be everyone else’s too.

  11. RCH
    December 14, 2007 at 6:02 pm

    So much fun! My family (my sibs, and now all of our collective kids as well) compile scrapbooks like this. The Family Quote Book, in addition to random things we say, includes funny photos you’d throw out otherwise — the ones with a flagpole growing out of someone’s head, or a goofy look caught on someone’s face as they’re in the middle of a word, or red eye so bad it looks demonic…. I truly believe that every family should have one; this is the sort of family history work I can appreciate.

    I’d love to hang out with your boys. :-)

  12. Ray
    December 14, 2007 at 6:04 pm

    I’m laughing so hard I’m crying – especially since my wife keeps a similar notebook that we pull out every few weeks and read for FHE. I promise, when when your kids are teenagers they will die from both embarrassment and laughter.

    My five-year-old is like Nathan; we never know what’s going to come out of her mouth. (e.g., 2 1/2 years old telling my older son that his passing of gas was “heinous”.) Of course, she’s #6, so she has much material from which to produce her statements.

    I also want to see Nathan’s video when it is produced. I also want to meet the cretin and the evil nemesis.

  13. m&m
    December 14, 2007 at 6:23 pm

    These are a delight. Thanks for sharing.

  14. Keith
    December 14, 2007 at 8:20 pm

    Another banner year at the Smith home. Good stuff. (So are you going to publish these then they’re 17, 14, 11?)

  15. KM
    December 14, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    Do your children by chance read \”Calvin and Hobbes\”?

  16. Ray
    December 14, 2007 at 10:25 pm

    KM, my oldest son and I had that exact same thought while we were reading this thread.

  17. Janet
    December 14, 2007 at 11:35 pm

    Julie, I an in love with your boys. And my DH is now going to incessantly quote the gun line at me ;).

    My grandma’s favorite from when I was 2: Janet hits older sister really hard during a long car ride. Grandma: Tell Chris you love her and that you’re sorry you hit her.” Janet: “Chris, I love you and am not at all sorry I hit you. We believe in being honest.”

  18. Julie M. Smith
    December 15, 2007 at 12:12 am

    KM, why, however could you tell? :) Simon owns the complete C & H and the covers are about to fall off from constant use.

  19. meems
    December 15, 2007 at 3:36 am

    Julie, I am laughing so hard I’m crying! These are hysterical, and I think you’re brilliant for keeping track of all these incredible words of wosdom! (I think you’re pretty brilliant anyway!). You’ve inspired me to do the same.

    A few weeks ago my 6-year old said something “smelled like Frankenstein’s vomit. … But in a good way!”

  20. jose
    December 16, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    Great idea Julie! We started doing the same after reading last year’s installment.

  21. kurt
    December 16, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    I going to use your son’s quote from 12/17/06, “When Jesus comes, I’ll have to quit my superhero job because all the evil will either die, explode, or disintegrate,” in my Gospel Doctrine class today when we discuss Satan being bound during the Millennium. I’ll probably read a few more of the Smith Family Quotables just as crowd pleasers.

  22. queuno
    December 16, 2007 at 2:43 pm

    My wife is now inspired that we should collect these. Thanks, Julie.

    My favorite from a few years ago was at a friend’s wedding, and my daughter decided to comment on the bride walking up the aisle:

    Daughter (loud voice): “I don’t get it – how do you have kids when you’re not married.”
    DW (in a whisper): “Sssh! I’ll tell you later.”
    Daughter (softer, but loud enough): “No, really, I don’t get it – how do you have kids when you’re not mar…”

  23. Lupita
    December 17, 2007 at 1:12 pm

    Uh, your kids sound like super geniuses :)

  24. Mrs M
    December 17, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    These are so fun to read. Sounds like there is never a dull moment at your house.

  25. December 19, 2007 at 2:38 pm

    Brilliant! When your Mom is your biggest fan, it’s got to be a good omen for the future. Is it being a Nathan that does the trick? My Nathan cracked us up throughout his entire childhood – somewhat in excess of his brothers’ and sisters’ delightful shots. He just had the wit honed perfectly and he was the one with the Spiderman suit.

  26. Jonovitch
    December 20, 2007 at 6:33 pm

    Julie, I’m having a very hard time containing my out-loud laughter at work. This is fantastic. Thank you!


  27. December 24, 2007 at 10:27 am

    Julie, this post was wonderful reading. After reading this I brought it over to my wife and suggested she read it as well.

  28. Lei
    January 8, 2008 at 12:08 am

    Boy, I have to commit to doing this… I regularly forget to write down the hilarious things they say! I’ve got 7 days to catch upon already…. ahhh! Thanks for sharing.

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