I was wondering when someone was going to pick this up.
/time to get my own blog…
I had to say that phrase quite a few times in my life. Perhaps they would be offended at me.
Baron of Deseret “picked up” on this quite a bit at least a week ago if not earlier. In fact, first he had a post about the t-shirts and how stupid they were (I agree) and then he had a post about the fact that the BYU newspaper (or is it the Deseret News? I forget) dropped the ad for these shirts because it was considered suggestive somehow.
Well, the guy who produces the shirts ought to be thanking BYU – there’s no way his ads would’ve gotten this much attention had people not complained.
I hate the pop culture-izing of the Church, but I also hate these pale, thin, tragic-eyed naifs who complain to the Daily Universe every time they get an erection. Breasts exist, fellows: get the hell over it already.
Kingsley, I know it’s getting annoying. So anytime you post a comment just imagine that I’m writing a comment response that says either “LOL” or “Amen!” You seriously crack me up. And would you please get yourself a blog already.
Like we used to say—enter to serve—go forth to learn. Some things never change at the “Y”
Guy
You guys are a bunch of liberals
K-man: “Breasts exist, fellows”
Kingsley, in the case of BYU students, to some it is given to know of the existence of breasts, and to others it is given to believe on their word. I was living on borrowed light for many long years….
The real problem is that Mr. Ramos never figured out the difference between “I can’t” and “I won’t”. One is grammatically (and doctrinally) correct. The other is not.
Ain’t it nice when doctrine and grammar come down on the same side of an issue!
I’m curious how much these people are making off of their goofy t-shirts. :roll:
Steve Evans: Were you around for the SSSC (single-strap satchel controversy), when some daughters of God at the Lord’s University had the nerve to jettison backpacks in favor of these stylish monkish things that separated their breasts from one another, revealing, to quote Updike, the “two smoothest scoops of vanilla I had ever known were there,” and clearly proving the existence of breasts? Were you, hm? Now everyone knows! You can bet not a day goes by I don’t harangue the Lord’s Newspaper about it.
LOL… I love the comments! At least some of us Mormons have a sense of humor!
I remember that one. Avert your eyes brethren!
Mark B: In the case of scotch and cigarettes, I’m more of an “I can’t” than an “I won’t” man. I fully expect to sit down with C.S. and Warnie Lewis, Charles Williams, Hugo Dyson, J.R.R. Tolkien, etc., in the next life to discuss poetry and drink and smoke on our own little planet somewhere. Some things I won’t do; some things I put off doing because of the fallen nature of the world and my fallen nature.
When a guy write to the student newspaper and says that the sight of a woman driving a car and wearing her shoulder belt (the kind that crosses her heart) leads him into temptation, and you can’t tell if he is spoofing or not, you know you are at the Lord’s University.
“When a guy writes to the student newspaper and says that the sight of a woman driving a car and wearing her shoulder belt (the kind that crosses her heart) leads him into temptation, and you can’t tell if he is spoofing or not, you know you are at the Lord’s University.”
Well, I certainly hope he pulled his car over and put it into park before temptation overcame him completely.
If an eighteen-year-old spinster with a permanent pinched look and polygamist hair turns you in to HBLL security because Yahoo Mail is running a bikini ad, you know you are at the Lord’s University (true story).
Russell Arben Fox,
Actually pulling over and parking the car might lead to more problems. He should probably just speed up and drive into a wall, lest he fall into sin. :evil:
Look, some of us have breastimonies, but many of our BYU brethren do not want to think of such carnal delicacies as women’s breasts. This whole discussion should be deleted from the T&S servers immediately. For the same reason we should avert our eyes in the locker room when the more heavy-set gentlemen reveal their man-breasts, lest the open manssiere remind us of the forbidden hills.
Kingsley, you were rightly turned in to security before the bikinis sent you into a spiral of destruction. The anti-pr0n squad at BYU (or as I like to call them, the “pop-up” blockers) do us all a valuable service. Remember, O remember, that sex is as a river of fire, that must be cooled and checked by a thousand nazi police squads if it is not to consume both the individual and the group.
The thing that I can’t figure is, which of the three pictures of female models on the main site (refresh your page a few times — there are a total of three different girl pictures, one of which also includes a scary dude) is the overly provocative one.
I guess I’m just going to have to spend some more time examining the pictures to see if I can detect any provocativeness. ;)
50 bucks to the first guy or gal who gets a letter published in the Daily Universe complaining about man-breasts.
>“pop-up� blockers
holy crap, that is the funniest thing ever…
Kingsley,
Gordon B. Hinckley is way ahead of you. He said “boobs” in conference.
Oct. 92, priesthood session.
*After reading this thread, John H. shoves fingers in ears, closes eyes, and hums “We Thank Thee O God For a Prophet” through gritted teeth in his continuing refusal to believe that women have bbbb. . .breasts*
It looks like everybody participating in this thread has a Y chromosome.
Look, fellows, sex is sacred, and that is why we never discuss it, think about it, acknowledge it, etc.–unlike the Atonement, of course, which we celebrate with T-shirts and refridgerator magnets.
This is just one of the reasons I read T&S, in the mad hope that Steve Evans and Kingsley will start tag-teaming on the comments … leaving me in tears from laughter. Thank you. :mrgreen:
Kaimi: “I guess I’m just going to have to spend some more time examining the pictures to see if I can detect any provocativeness. ”
No comments from Kaimi in a while. I guess he’s still trying to detect any provocativeness… Normally he should be able to detect it quite rapidly, if left uninterrupted in a private location :)
Listen fellas, I have breasts, two of them as a matter of fact. I just can’t see what the big deal is, big globs of fat that make me smell like a cow.
Personally I’d rather have a penis. No sitting down in public restrooms. Camping would be much happier thing. Really long bus trip? no problem. And then there’s the SWEET 20-40% increase in pay!
“I just can’t see what the big deal is”
That’s just it. It’s NOT having them that is the big deal.
Yup, two sounds about right.
Ashleigh,
You can achieve the vast majority of that 20-40% increase by working as many hours as a man, never leaving the labor market (no parental leave!!), and otherwise behaving like men in the labor market do. Women who do this have, on average, wages slightly lower, but almost the same, as men.
OK, I’m getting weirded out, mainly because most of the Kims I know are women and the one Ashley (not Ashleigh, I know) I know is male.
” … big globs of fat that make me smell like a cow.”
That is almost worthy, but not quite, of the Song of Songs. O, love, I long for thee, for thy big globs of fat, for thy cow-scented skin, etc.
Frank, you make me crazy!
xoxoxo
Since I can’t possible make this thread any more tacky, here’s a couple of links for Ashleigh:
First, the Stadium Gal (also available for men as Stadium Pal. No more worries while camping or on a long bus trip.
Almost one in every four Japanese men sits down on the toilet to urinate, according to a survey by Toto Corp., the country’s biggest manufacturer of toilets.
Toto’s poll of 2,312 adult men from across Japan discovered that 23.7 percent sat down while having a pee.
CB:
Actually, Pres. Hinckley said “boob”, not “boobs”. It was Elder Haight, in May 1995, Saturday afternoon, who said “boobs”.
You can look it up.
That just proves, Bryce-san and Toto-san, that the Japanese aren’t in Kansas anymore.
And to think that in the late 80’s we all thought that they were going to take over the world.
No wonder James Fallows wrote his book, More Like Us. He must have known this secret already.
Of course, on the other hand, maybe this statistic is skewed because it can only refer to the small number of Japanese homes (or is it not so small anymore?) equipped with any kind of fixture that anybody could sit on. After years of squatting (and you thought this couldn’t get any tackier??), maybe the thought of the rest on the heated seat, the bidet option, the warm air dry option, etc. is just too much for them to resist.
Ashleigh, you’ve overlooked the two best things about wielding “The Priesthood” (I was taught not to use the p-word :))
1. Urinals are fun — target shooting!
2. Writing name in snow, mud, etc. — develop your cursive!
p.s. exactly how big are those globs of fat of yours?
*clank* (sound of Steve hitting rock bottom)
You’re going to have to say “we” folks and not “they.” Bryce is Japanese-American. Just thought I’d say so. Hope Bryce doesn’t mind.
Mark B.–
Actually Japan has either taken over the world, or has lapsed into irrelevance through decadence. How else can you explain a society specialized enough to have members who can be described thusly:
Toilet researcher Junichi Hirata blames the spread of Western-style toilets…
… Chiba Institute of Technology Associate Prof. Yoshiyuki Ueno, who has studied toilets for more than three decades, said. “I wouldn’t recommend anybody sitting down on a Western-style toilet to urinate.
Can I get a PhD in Urinal Technology?
Dan —
Mark B. and I are well acquainted, as he has practiced law with my father — hence the “Bryce-san.”
For the record, I include myself in “we Americans” and not “them” (Japanese).
Steve,
the better question would be, “just how smelly are those big globs of fat?”
I was wondering if I was being stupid in making that comment. Sigh. :)
“the better question would be, “just how smelly are those big globs of fat?â€?
An excellent question for first dates, I believe. Winsome.
No problem, Dan. Given the other revelations about what we look like on this thread, being outed as Japanese American is not really so bad.
this is horrible!
Nate must be so proud.
Bryce I’m feeling much better now. :)
Now if I could just figure out how to adjust this manssiere while I’m in public. It’s SOOOO uncomfortable.
Hey, Nate’s the one that suggested “that some at BYU need serious help in figuring out what is offensive and what isn’t.” Who are we to refuse the Oracle of the Bloggernacle? Or whatever he is. Maybe the Employee-of-the-month of the Bloggernacle. Or Poobah of the Bloggernacle…
Please, *Grand* Poobah at least.
Also, I wasn’t sure, from his wording, if Nate was arguing that BYU should never haver run the add in the first place because it was clearly tasteless, or if they were mistaken in pulling it because it is just silly fun.
I believe Nate was recently asking “What is With the Bloggernacle” and perhaps the comments on this post could help to answer that question. Of course we should honor Nate further by pushing this post into the most popular ever.
It has been awhile since Kaimi has commented and it’s been long enough now that we really should be concerned …
But regardless, I’m pretty sure we’ve all crossed the line into tasteless a while back. Which I always enjoy.
Oh, and Steve, you have my permission to use that line in your next book, “101 Ways to Drive Your Date From the Car Screaming”.
Frank also has some good one on the economics of oppression he might let you use ;-)
Ashleigh,
Welcome to priesthood meeting. Make that deacon’s quorum. Now you know what 12 and 13 year old boys talk about on those boy scout overnighters, and why they are so much fun.
.
Yes, Frank is a resource for dating tips, to be sure. In the same vein, Adam is up there with advice for how to choose good pr0n.
I can’t imagine a quicker way to lose a date than to begin a phrase with “I was reading on Times and Seasons that….” — especially if you follow it up with Ashleigh’s landmark “globs of fat” remark. John Bytheway no doubt gives similar advice at EFY for young daters out there.
I think I’ve determined it — it’s red-T-shirt girl. There appear to be some blobs of fat under her shirt, giving it a decidedly provocative nature. I’m shocked and appalled that BYU would allow such a thing, of course.
By the way, this thread has reminded me of the old joke about the Bishop and the woman at sacrament meeting. The woman starts crying profusely at the end of her talk. (We’ve all seen it). She eventually stops, then says, “Sorry I’m being such a big boob, bishop” and goes to sit down. The bishop, trying to segue, starts off saying, “It’s okay, sister __, I like big boobs.” The congregation bursts out laughing, of course, and the poor bishop is red-faced.
(It’s not as good as the gold standard of LDS embarrassed bishop jokes, the one with the Spanish-learning sister accidentally saying that the bishop got her pregnant).
“most of the Kims I know are women”
Most of the Kims I know are men, including my cousin, the singer Kim Mitchell and A. Kim Smith of the Seventy.
And for the record I pee sitting down. I had to clean the bathroom way too many times as a teenager and am tired of cleaning the floor around the toilet. Now we don’t have too except as we do the rest of the floor. :)
I love this thread. Truly a breast of fresh air…
It’s a tribute to T&S and our own goofiness that Nate Oman can write a one line post and that there are over sixty comments now on said post. Again, I can only think of Nate’s post “What Is With the Bloggernacle” (a post that only has 34 comments at this time).
Why does this particular post have so many comments? What are the possible reasons? Here were some of the possibilities bandied about in the comments to that other post. Try and discern which ones might apply:
1) This post was incomplete or half-baked (not complete). It left room for more analysis.
2) The post was controversial, dealing with issues such as sex, same-sex marriage, inviting gays over for dinner, etc.
3) We’re all just shallow twits who like to get our rhetorical jabs and flourishes in on things that don’t take much thought.
Perhaps we should add that a lot of comments might show up on any post that points a finger at something silly and invites those who are commenting to cast ridicule. And also any post that invites downright funny comments … seems a lot of us just like to joke around.
Whatever happened to the “I’m a Ten-Cow Woman” Johnny Lingo T-shirts on sale in the BYU Bookstore when I was there in ’89? Talk about cow-scented skin!
“And for the record I pee sitting down. I had to clean the bathroom way too many times as a teenager and am tired of cleaning the floor around the toilet. Now we don’t have too except as we do the rest of the floor. ”
Kim, this is way too much information for T&S.
:)
Kim, see “About Schmit.” That’s how it’s done, my friend.
I have this really cool story about breasts, sister missionaries, and the mission field …
“I have this really cool story about breasts, sister missionaries, and the mission field … ”
Please, oh please, post it.
“That’s how it’s done, my friend.”
Then I’d have to turn on the bathroom light in the middle of the night.
No thanks.
Maybe instead of an open thread on Conference, you all need an open thread on breasts.
Open? Breasts?
Hmmm…
Ashleigh, as a female I expected more from you. Don’t you know that it’s the covered, forbidden thing that tempts the most? Open, uncovered breasts are merely smelly lumps of fat; but cover them, say in a Cougarette outfit, and you’re in bizness, Sister!
Alas, I have no story. I lied. I hope you’re sufficiently “shocked and appalled.”
Aaron B
This thread is indeed proof that it is not only folks at BYU that need help determining what is potentially offensive–or just plain puerile–and what is not.
Well, yes. True.
If I recall from those days in seventh grade when I failed Latin, puer (as in “puerile”) meant boy. So puerile must just be a fancy word for boyish.
I think the main thing that caused offense was not the T-shirt that said “I Can’t… I’m Mormon” but it was the one that said “NCMO” (Non-Committal Make-Out). The NCMO shirt seemed to be promoting a practice that is degrading and against the law of chastity, hence the brouhaha.
“This thread is indeed proof that it is not only folks at BYU that need help determining what is potentially offensive–or just plain puerile–and what is not.”
Was anyone under the impression that this thread was something other than puerile and potentially offensive? I, for one, need no help discerning on those lines. However, kudos to Keith for trying to make this thread un-funny! Nice try, man — but you simply cannot deny the hilarity of the Updike quote.
Mephiboseth — NCMOs are against the law of chastity? Holy smoke, man. I guess it depends on the extent of the “MO”. But normal make-outs aren’t against the law of chastity, they just flirt with danger. Correct me if I am mistaken, in which case I shall call the Bishop forthwith.
Once you’re married I suppose you could wear a t-shirt that said CMO.
Uhhhh –I guess not exactly. I guess in my head I’m grouping chaste and virtuous behavior all under the umbrella of the law of chastity.
Although, I remember President Kimball teaching from D&C 59:6 when it says don’t steal, commit adultery, or kill, or do anything LIKE UNTO IT that there are things we can do that are not the actual sin, but are like it, and should be avoided as a practice. He then goes on to name necking/petting as a sin that is not adultery, but is LIKE it.
The main point is that there’s nothing really virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy about stoking the flames with someone for the sole purpose of satisfying one another’s lust.
Sure, I guess you’re right — but the same could be said of many, many pursuits, including TV, nintendo and crack cocaine — and you won’t see me give up those, either.
Not quite –TV has both “The 700 Club” and “Sex In The City,” Nintendo has “Donkey Kong” and “Grand Theft Auto,” and crack comes from the same cocaine that can be used for “recreational purposes” or a topical anesthetic.
Still can’t think of anything good that comes from NCMO, though… I’ll keep looking :)
Steve, you should really try to give up crack. It’s bad for you.
I only use crack cocaine for bruises and sick cattle.
Nintendo doesn’t have GTA, either. But it does have Metroid Prime…
Danithew — “CMO” I like it! I’d wear one.
–Kori
Keith: Two of your words, “offensive” and “puerile,” like giant, solemn, pendulous knockers knocked by fatherly hand, have sounded in the deepest chambers of me, wakening me, chastening me, humbling me before Truth–that mightiest, most unbending erection.
Can’t we all agree to stop using big, pretentious, polysyllabic words like “puerile” and “penduous,” and stick to simpler fare, like “boobs” and “breasts.” Thanks in advance.
Aaron B
Kingsley,
“Two of your words . . . have sounded in the deepest chambers of me, wakening me, chastening me, humbling me”
Yes, I knew that would happen. Indeed, I fully expect my words to reform every blogger in all of Mormon blogdom by Wednesday morning.
What the heck is polygamist hair anyway?
Only in late night conversations in Smith Hall at BYU have I seen so much use of terms such as “breast”, “erection”, and “cow” uncoupled with several other expletives.
“humbling me before Truth–that mightiest, most unbending erection.”
Holy moley. That is perhaps the most interesting metaphor I’ve ever heard in my life. I don’t think we want to “reveal” your “Truth” here, Kingsley.
Like Ashleigh, I would like some clarification on the “polygamist hair” front, however.
Maybe Kingley’s metaphor has something to do with moving away from the puerile by “growing up”.
Polygamist hair … I think Kingsley is referring to the long (unless braided) flowing hair that is typical of many polygamous wives. This picture might help.
…given Kingsley’s recent declarations of the ‘firmness’ of his testimony of truth…
I think we’re getting closer to the truth.
After looking at that picture I have to wonder what it would be like teach Primary for these polygamos groups. Ay caramba!
Many, many thanks for that link to the polygamous hair. AWESOME. Great is that man’s Truth.
Hey Kaimi,
How long does it take to analyse three bikini ads?
“Like Ashleigh, I would like some clarification on the ‘polygamist hair’ front, however.”
Polygamist hair is that dull, brown Anaconda-like braid hanging well below the tightpinched buttocks of the modern polygamist woman. You could call it a cataract, only it is thick and sluggish. Sullen. Some say it is cunningly designed to entrap the modern polygamist man as he sweatily moves from bedroom to bedroom.
I think that’s what Kingsley would say.
I’ve decided, dramatically, to highlight my many complexities. When I’m being an American reactionary, it’s U.S.A.! U.S.A.! When I’m being a Mormon reactionary (same diff?), it’s The BRETHREN. When I’m being just a general jackass, it’s Kingsley.
When I’m commenting thoughtfully, it’s Man of Sorrow.
Spelling, grammar, style, etc., will approriately reflect each personality.
Approriately. How appropriate.
Is it just me or does Kingsley only appear when we’re talking about something related to sex? :-)
Whenever two bloggers gather to snicker churlishly about mormons and sex, there Kingsley is also.
There Kingsley is also, in their midst. Why it’s important to add that, I’m not sure … but it sounds more scriptural to me.
Stop, fellows, I beg you. As Joyce said, I’m Jung and easily Freudened.
I wish I could use more than one pseudonym to reflect my multiple personalities, but since I’m a jackass no matter which personality is dominant I’m stuck with “Jack” for all time.
I think I would find more fullfillment in life if I could learn how to make being a jackass an art, as Kingsley has.
Kingsley, would you except an invitation to speak at our next JA meeting?.
Oops! That’s “accept” not except.
Steve, Thanks for the bruises and sick cattle comment. Out of all the cleverness here that is the only thing to get an audible response out of me.
Asleigh, I can’t define “polygamist hair” for you, but I know it when I see it!
Thanks, random John. It’s nice to get a nod.
What a disheartening thread.
If anyone knows of a forum that offers the sort of thoughtful conversations that T&S does but without the off-color humor, please let me know.
“What a disheartening thread.
If anyone knows of a forum that offers the sort of thoughtful conversations that T&S does but without the off-color humor, please let me know.”
What sanctimony! Sure, this thread is off-color. But you’d be hard-pressed to find a more thoughtful place than T&S. If off-color humor disheartens you so, try going here or here instead.
From Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, 10/9/04.
Tina Fey: The newest trend among students at Brigham Young University are T-shirts that read “I can’t. I’m Mormon.” [Graphic on screen shows BYU logo and T-shirt with the phrase.] Which have been countered with T-shirts reading “You will. I’m Kobe.”
You know, I kind of laughed at the whole ordeal when I saw it on TV, but then I was shocked to see the VL shirt. I didn’t reallize it stood for “Virgin Lips”, but rather my mind pictured something sacred I put on everyday…
LOL, I have both the shirt AND a messenger bag. I may go to Hell in a handbasket, but it’ll be a really cute handbasket.
Seriously, is this what gets people in an uproar at the Y?! That shirt gets me all kinds of laughs and comraderie here (read:NOT UTAH) Women have boobs?! And they wear them ALL the time?! Are we gonna stand for that sort of depraved indifference around here?!!!
I did a summer course at the Y when I was younger and saw signs up everywhere for a big party with a wading pool full of JELLO. Is JELLO wrestling an essential part of perfecting the Saints? If so, count me in!!
I was wondering when someone was going to pick this up.
/time to get my own blog…
I had to say that phrase quite a few times in my life. Perhaps they would be offended at me.
Baron of Deseret “picked up” on this quite a bit at least a week ago if not earlier. In fact, first he had a post about the t-shirts and how stupid they were (I agree) and then he had a post about the fact that the BYU newspaper (or is it the Deseret News? I forget) dropped the ad for these shirts because it was considered suggestive somehow.
Well, the guy who produces the shirts ought to be thanking BYU – there’s no way his ads would’ve gotten this much attention had people not complained.
Here ya go:
http://baronofdeseret.typepad.com/baronblog/2004/09/an_update.html
And the original (September 13th) post:
http://baronofdeseret.typepad.com/baronblog/2004/09/can_someone_exp.html
I hate the pop culture-izing of the Church, but I also hate these pale, thin, tragic-eyed naifs who complain to the Daily Universe every time they get an erection. Breasts exist, fellows: get the hell over it already.
Kingsley, I know it’s getting annoying. So anytime you post a comment just imagine that I’m writing a comment response that says either “LOL” or “Amen!” You seriously crack me up. And would you please get yourself a blog already.
Like we used to say—enter to serve—go forth to learn. Some things never change at the “Y”
Guy
You guys are a bunch of liberals
K-man: “Breasts exist, fellows”
Kingsley, in the case of BYU students, to some it is given to know of the existence of breasts, and to others it is given to believe on their word. I was living on borrowed light for many long years….
The real problem is that Mr. Ramos never figured out the difference between “I can’t” and “I won’t”. One is grammatically (and doctrinally) correct. The other is not.
Ain’t it nice when doctrine and grammar come down on the same side of an issue!
I’m curious how much these people are making off of their goofy t-shirts. :roll:
Steve Evans: Were you around for the SSSC (single-strap satchel controversy), when some daughters of God at the Lord’s University had the nerve to jettison backpacks in favor of these stylish monkish things that separated their breasts from one another, revealing, to quote Updike, the “two smoothest scoops of vanilla I had ever known were there,” and clearly proving the existence of breasts? Were you, hm? Now everyone knows! You can bet not a day goes by I don’t harangue the Lord’s Newspaper about it.
LOL… I love the comments! At least some of us Mormons have a sense of humor!
I remember that one. Avert your eyes brethren!
Mark B: In the case of scotch and cigarettes, I’m more of an “I can’t” than an “I won’t” man. I fully expect to sit down with C.S. and Warnie Lewis, Charles Williams, Hugo Dyson, J.R.R. Tolkien, etc., in the next life to discuss poetry and drink and smoke on our own little planet somewhere. Some things I won’t do; some things I put off doing because of the fallen nature of the world and my fallen nature.
When a guy write to the student newspaper and says that the sight of a woman driving a car and wearing her shoulder belt (the kind that crosses her heart) leads him into temptation, and you can’t tell if he is spoofing or not, you know you are at the Lord’s University.
“When a guy writes to the student newspaper and says that the sight of a woman driving a car and wearing her shoulder belt (the kind that crosses her heart) leads him into temptation, and you can’t tell if he is spoofing or not, you know you are at the Lord’s University.”
Well, I certainly hope he pulled his car over and put it into park before temptation overcame him completely.
If an eighteen-year-old spinster with a permanent pinched look and polygamist hair turns you in to HBLL security because Yahoo Mail is running a bikini ad, you know you are at the Lord’s University (true story).
Russell Arben Fox,
Actually pulling over and parking the car might lead to more problems. He should probably just speed up and drive into a wall, lest he fall into sin. :evil:
Look, some of us have breastimonies, but many of our BYU brethren do not want to think of such carnal delicacies as women’s breasts. This whole discussion should be deleted from the T&S servers immediately. For the same reason we should avert our eyes in the locker room when the more heavy-set gentlemen reveal their man-breasts, lest the open manssiere remind us of the forbidden hills.
Kingsley, you were rightly turned in to security before the bikinis sent you into a spiral of destruction. The anti-pr0n squad at BYU (or as I like to call them, the “pop-up” blockers) do us all a valuable service. Remember, O remember, that sex is as a river of fire, that must be cooled and checked by a thousand nazi police squads if it is not to consume both the individual and the group.
The thing that I can’t figure is, which of the three pictures of female models on the main site (refresh your page a few times — there are a total of three different girl pictures, one of which also includes a scary dude) is the overly provocative one.
I guess I’m just going to have to spend some more time examining the pictures to see if I can detect any provocativeness. ;)
50 bucks to the first guy or gal who gets a letter published in the Daily Universe complaining about man-breasts.
>“pop-up� blockers
holy crap, that is the funniest thing ever…
Kingsley,
Gordon B. Hinckley is way ahead of you. He said “boobs” in conference.
Oct. 92, priesthood session.
*After reading this thread, John H. shoves fingers in ears, closes eyes, and hums “We Thank Thee O God For a Prophet” through gritted teeth in his continuing refusal to believe that women have bbbb. . .breasts*
It looks like everybody participating in this thread has a Y chromosome.
Look, fellows, sex is sacred, and that is why we never discuss it, think about it, acknowledge it, etc.–unlike the Atonement, of course, which we celebrate with T-shirts and refridgerator magnets.
This is just one of the reasons I read T&S, in the mad hope that Steve Evans and Kingsley will start tag-teaming on the comments … leaving me in tears from laughter. Thank you. :mrgreen:
Kaimi: “I guess I’m just going to have to spend some more time examining the pictures to see if I can detect any provocativeness. ”
No comments from Kaimi in a while. I guess he’s still trying to detect any provocativeness… Normally he should be able to detect it quite rapidly, if left uninterrupted in a private location :)
Listen fellas, I have breasts, two of them as a matter of fact. I just can’t see what the big deal is, big globs of fat that make me smell like a cow.
Personally I’d rather have a penis. No sitting down in public restrooms. Camping would be much happier thing. Really long bus trip? no problem. And then there’s the SWEET 20-40% increase in pay!
“I just can’t see what the big deal is”
That’s just it. It’s NOT having them that is the big deal.
Yup, two sounds about right.
Ashleigh,
You can achieve the vast majority of that 20-40% increase by working as many hours as a man, never leaving the labor market (no parental leave!!), and otherwise behaving like men in the labor market do. Women who do this have, on average, wages slightly lower, but almost the same, as men.
OK, I’m getting weirded out, mainly because most of the Kims I know are women and the one Ashley (not Ashleigh, I know) I know is male.
” … big globs of fat that make me smell like a cow.”
That is almost worthy, but not quite, of the Song of Songs. O, love, I long for thee, for thy big globs of fat, for thy cow-scented skin, etc.
Frank, you make me crazy!
xoxoxo
Since I can’t possible make this thread any more tacky, here’s a couple of links for Ashleigh:
First, the Stadium Gal (also available for men as Stadium Pal. No more worries while camping or on a long bus trip.
And according to this story,
CB:
Actually, Pres. Hinckley said “boob”, not “boobs”. It was Elder Haight, in May 1995, Saturday afternoon, who said “boobs”.
You can look it up.
That just proves, Bryce-san and Toto-san, that the Japanese aren’t in Kansas anymore.
And to think that in the late 80’s we all thought that they were going to take over the world.
No wonder James Fallows wrote his book, More Like Us. He must have known this secret already.
Of course, on the other hand, maybe this statistic is skewed because it can only refer to the small number of Japanese homes (or is it not so small anymore?) equipped with any kind of fixture that anybody could sit on. After years of squatting (and you thought this couldn’t get any tackier??), maybe the thought of the rest on the heated seat, the bidet option, the warm air dry option, etc. is just too much for them to resist.
Ashleigh, you’ve overlooked the two best things about wielding “The Priesthood” (I was taught not to use the p-word :))
1. Urinals are fun — target shooting!
2. Writing name in snow, mud, etc. — develop your cursive!
p.s. exactly how big are those globs of fat of yours?
*clank* (sound of Steve hitting rock bottom)
You’re going to have to say “we” folks and not “they.” Bryce is Japanese-American. Just thought I’d say so. Hope Bryce doesn’t mind.
Mark B.–
Actually Japan has either taken over the world, or has lapsed into irrelevance through decadence. How else can you explain a society specialized enough to have members who can be described thusly:
Can I get a PhD in Urinal Technology?
Dan —
Mark B. and I are well acquainted, as he has practiced law with my father — hence the “Bryce-san.”
For the record, I include myself in “we Americans” and not “them” (Japanese).
Steve,
the better question would be, “just how smelly are those big globs of fat?”
I was wondering if I was being stupid in making that comment. Sigh. :)
“the better question would be, “just how smelly are those big globs of fat?â€?
An excellent question for first dates, I believe. Winsome.
No problem, Dan. Given the other revelations about what we look like on this thread, being outed as Japanese American is not really so bad.
this is horrible!
Nate must be so proud.
Bryce I’m feeling much better now. :)
Now if I could just figure out how to adjust this manssiere while I’m in public. It’s SOOOO uncomfortable.
Hey, Nate’s the one that suggested “that some at BYU need serious help in figuring out what is offensive and what isn’t.” Who are we to refuse the Oracle of the Bloggernacle? Or whatever he is. Maybe the Employee-of-the-month of the Bloggernacle. Or Poobah of the Bloggernacle…
Please, *Grand* Poobah at least.
Also, I wasn’t sure, from his wording, if Nate was arguing that BYU should never haver run the add in the first place because it was clearly tasteless, or if they were mistaken in pulling it because it is just silly fun.
I believe Nate was recently asking “What is With the Bloggernacle” and perhaps the comments on this post could help to answer that question. Of course we should honor Nate further by pushing this post into the most popular ever.
It has been awhile since Kaimi has commented and it’s been long enough now that we really should be concerned …
But regardless, I’m pretty sure we’ve all crossed the line into tasteless a while back. Which I always enjoy.
Oh, and Steve, you have my permission to use that line in your next book, “101 Ways to Drive Your Date From the Car Screaming”.
Frank also has some good one on the economics of oppression he might let you use ;-)
Ashleigh,
Welcome to priesthood meeting. Make that deacon’s quorum. Now you know what 12 and 13 year old boys talk about on those boy scout overnighters, and why they are so much fun.
.
Yes, Frank is a resource for dating tips, to be sure. In the same vein, Adam is up there with advice for how to choose good pr0n.
I can’t imagine a quicker way to lose a date than to begin a phrase with “I was reading on Times and Seasons that….” — especially if you follow it up with Ashleigh’s landmark “globs of fat” remark. John Bytheway no doubt gives similar advice at EFY for young daters out there.
I think I’ve determined it — it’s red-T-shirt girl. There appear to be some blobs of fat under her shirt, giving it a decidedly provocative nature. I’m shocked and appalled that BYU would allow such a thing, of course.
By the way, this thread has reminded me of the old joke about the Bishop and the woman at sacrament meeting. The woman starts crying profusely at the end of her talk. (We’ve all seen it). She eventually stops, then says, “Sorry I’m being such a big boob, bishop” and goes to sit down. The bishop, trying to segue, starts off saying, “It’s okay, sister __, I like big boobs.” The congregation bursts out laughing, of course, and the poor bishop is red-faced.
(It’s not as good as the gold standard of LDS embarrassed bishop jokes, the one with the Spanish-learning sister accidentally saying that the bishop got her pregnant).
“most of the Kims I know are women”
Most of the Kims I know are men, including my cousin, the singer Kim Mitchell and A. Kim Smith of the Seventy.
And for the record I pee sitting down. I had to clean the bathroom way too many times as a teenager and am tired of cleaning the floor around the toilet. Now we don’t have too except as we do the rest of the floor. :)
I love this thread. Truly a breast of fresh air…
It’s a tribute to T&S and our own goofiness that Nate Oman can write a one line post and that there are over sixty comments now on said post. Again, I can only think of Nate’s post “What Is With the Bloggernacle” (a post that only has 34 comments at this time).
Why does this particular post have so many comments? What are the possible reasons? Here were some of the possibilities bandied about in the comments to that other post. Try and discern which ones might apply:
1) This post was incomplete or half-baked (not complete). It left room for more analysis.
2) The post was controversial, dealing with issues such as sex, same-sex marriage, inviting gays over for dinner, etc.
3) We’re all just shallow twits who like to get our rhetorical jabs and flourishes in on things that don’t take much thought.
Perhaps we should add that a lot of comments might show up on any post that points a finger at something silly and invites those who are commenting to cast ridicule. And also any post that invites downright funny comments … seems a lot of us just like to joke around.
Whatever happened to the “I’m a Ten-Cow Woman” Johnny Lingo T-shirts on sale in the BYU Bookstore when I was there in ’89? Talk about cow-scented skin!
“And for the record I pee sitting down. I had to clean the bathroom way too many times as a teenager and am tired of cleaning the floor around the toilet. Now we don’t have too except as we do the rest of the floor. ”
Kim, this is way too much information for T&S.
:)
Kim, see “About Schmit.” That’s how it’s done, my friend.
I have this really cool story about breasts, sister missionaries, and the mission field …
“I have this really cool story about breasts, sister missionaries, and the mission field … ”
Please, oh please, post it.
“That’s how it’s done, my friend.”
Then I’d have to turn on the bathroom light in the middle of the night.
No thanks.
Maybe instead of an open thread on Conference, you all need an open thread on breasts.
Open? Breasts?
Hmmm…
Ashleigh, as a female I expected more from you. Don’t you know that it’s the covered, forbidden thing that tempts the most? Open, uncovered breasts are merely smelly lumps of fat; but cover them, say in a Cougarette outfit, and you’re in bizness, Sister!
Alas, I have no story. I lied. I hope you’re sufficiently “shocked and appalled.”
Aaron B
This thread is indeed proof that it is not only folks at BYU that need help determining what is potentially offensive–or just plain puerile–and what is not.
Well, yes. True.
If I recall from those days in seventh grade when I failed Latin, puer (as in “puerile”) meant boy. So puerile must just be a fancy word for boyish.
I think the main thing that caused offense was not the T-shirt that said “I Can’t… I’m Mormon” but it was the one that said “NCMO” (Non-Committal Make-Out). The NCMO shirt seemed to be promoting a practice that is degrading and against the law of chastity, hence the brouhaha.
“This thread is indeed proof that it is not only folks at BYU that need help determining what is potentially offensive–or just plain puerile–and what is not.”
Was anyone under the impression that this thread was something other than puerile and potentially offensive? I, for one, need no help discerning on those lines. However, kudos to Keith for trying to make this thread un-funny! Nice try, man — but you simply cannot deny the hilarity of the Updike quote.
Mephiboseth — NCMOs are against the law of chastity? Holy smoke, man. I guess it depends on the extent of the “MO”. But normal make-outs aren’t against the law of chastity, they just flirt with danger. Correct me if I am mistaken, in which case I shall call the Bishop forthwith.
Once you’re married I suppose you could wear a t-shirt that said CMO.
Uhhhh –I guess not exactly. I guess in my head I’m grouping chaste and virtuous behavior all under the umbrella of the law of chastity.
Although, I remember President Kimball teaching from D&C 59:6 when it says don’t steal, commit adultery, or kill, or do anything LIKE UNTO IT that there are things we can do that are not the actual sin, but are like it, and should be avoided as a practice. He then goes on to name necking/petting as a sin that is not adultery, but is LIKE it.
The main point is that there’s nothing really virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy about stoking the flames with someone for the sole purpose of satisfying one another’s lust.
Sure, I guess you’re right — but the same could be said of many, many pursuits, including TV, nintendo and crack cocaine — and you won’t see me give up those, either.
Not quite –TV has both “The 700 Club” and “Sex In The City,” Nintendo has “Donkey Kong” and “Grand Theft Auto,” and crack comes from the same cocaine that can be used for “recreational purposes” or a topical anesthetic.
Still can’t think of anything good that comes from NCMO, though… I’ll keep looking :)
Steve, you should really try to give up crack. It’s bad for you.
I only use crack cocaine for bruises and sick cattle.
Nintendo doesn’t have GTA, either. But it does have Metroid Prime…
Danithew — “CMO” I like it! I’d wear one.
–Kori
Keith: Two of your words, “offensive” and “puerile,” like giant, solemn, pendulous knockers knocked by fatherly hand, have sounded in the deepest chambers of me, wakening me, chastening me, humbling me before Truth–that mightiest, most unbending erection.
Can’t we all agree to stop using big, pretentious, polysyllabic words like “puerile” and “penduous,” and stick to simpler fare, like “boobs” and “breasts.” Thanks in advance.
Aaron B
Kingsley,
“Two of your words . . . have sounded in the deepest chambers of me, wakening me, chastening me, humbling me”
Yes, I knew that would happen. Indeed, I fully expect my words to reform every blogger in all of Mormon blogdom by Wednesday morning.
What the heck is polygamist hair anyway?
Only in late night conversations in Smith Hall at BYU have I seen so much use of terms such as “breast”, “erection”, and “cow” uncoupled with several other expletives.
“humbling me before Truth–that mightiest, most unbending erection.”
Holy moley. That is perhaps the most interesting metaphor I’ve ever heard in my life. I don’t think we want to “reveal” your “Truth” here, Kingsley.
Like Ashleigh, I would like some clarification on the “polygamist hair” front, however.
Maybe Kingley’s metaphor has something to do with moving away from the puerile by “growing up”.
Polygamist hair … I think Kingsley is referring to the long (unless braided) flowing hair that is typical of many polygamous wives. This picture might help.
http://www.ridiculopathy.com/stock/polygamy.jpg
This from Chad too (on a different thread):
…given Kingsley’s recent declarations of the ‘firmness’ of his testimony of truth…
I think we’re getting closer to the truth.
After looking at that picture I have to wonder what it would be like teach Primary for these polygamos groups. Ay caramba!
Many, many thanks for that link to the polygamous hair. AWESOME. Great is that man’s Truth.
Hey Kaimi,
How long does it take to analyse three bikini ads?
“Like Ashleigh, I would like some clarification on the ‘polygamist hair’ front, however.”
Polygamist hair is that dull, brown Anaconda-like braid hanging well below the tightpinched buttocks of the modern polygamist woman. You could call it a cataract, only it is thick and sluggish. Sullen. Some say it is cunningly designed to entrap the modern polygamist man as he sweatily moves from bedroom to bedroom.
I think that’s what Kingsley would say.
I’ve decided, dramatically, to highlight my many complexities. When I’m being an American reactionary, it’s U.S.A.! U.S.A.! When I’m being a Mormon reactionary (same diff?), it’s The BRETHREN. When I’m being just a general jackass, it’s Kingsley.
When I’m commenting thoughtfully, it’s Man of Sorrow.
Spelling, grammar, style, etc., will approriately reflect each personality.
Approriately. How appropriate.
Is it just me or does Kingsley only appear when we’re talking about something related to sex? :-)
Whenever two bloggers gather to snicker churlishly about mormons and sex, there Kingsley is also.
There Kingsley is also, in their midst. Why it’s important to add that, I’m not sure … but it sounds more scriptural to me.
Stop, fellows, I beg you. As Joyce said, I’m Jung and easily Freudened.
I wish I could use more than one pseudonym to reflect my multiple personalities, but since I’m a jackass no matter which personality is dominant I’m stuck with “Jack” for all time.
I think I would find more fullfillment in life if I could learn how to make being a jackass an art, as Kingsley has.
Kingsley, would you except an invitation to speak at our next JA meeting?.
Oops! That’s “accept” not except.
Steve, Thanks for the bruises and sick cattle comment. Out of all the cleverness here that is the only thing to get an audible response out of me.
Asleigh, I can’t define “polygamist hair” for you, but I know it when I see it!
Thanks, random John. It’s nice to get a nod.
What a disheartening thread.
If anyone knows of a forum that offers the sort of thoughtful conversations that T&S does but without the off-color humor, please let me know.
“What a disheartening thread.
If anyone knows of a forum that offers the sort of thoughtful conversations that T&S does but without the off-color humor, please let me know.”
What sanctimony! Sure, this thread is off-color. But you’d be hard-pressed to find a more thoughtful place than T&S. If off-color humor disheartens you so, try going here or here instead.
From Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, 10/9/04.
Tina Fey: The newest trend among students at Brigham Young University are T-shirts that read “I can’t. I’m Mormon.” [Graphic on screen shows BYU logo and T-shirt with the phrase.] Which have been countered with T-shirts reading “You will. I’m Kobe.”
You know, I kind of laughed at the whole ordeal when I saw it on TV, but then I was shocked to see the VL shirt. I didn’t reallize it stood for “Virgin Lips”, but rather my mind pictured something sacred I put on everyday…
LOL, I have both the shirt AND a messenger bag. I may go to Hell in a handbasket, but it’ll be a really cute handbasket.
Seriously, is this what gets people in an uproar at the Y?! That shirt gets me all kinds of laughs and comraderie here (read:NOT UTAH) Women have boobs?! And they wear them ALL the time?! Are we gonna stand for that sort of depraved indifference around here?!!!
I did a summer course at the Y when I was younger and saw signs up everywhere for a big party with a wading pool full of JELLO. Is JELLO wrestling an essential part of perfecting the Saints? If so, count me in!!