So this weekend, while lounging in bed milking a minor illness for all it was worth, I stumbled upon one of the best talks I have ever heard: BYU English Professor Steven Walker’s “Humor in the Bible,” which you can listen to or read from www.byutv.org (Just search by title under Find a Talk.)
And it got me thinking about Mormon humor. I really only know two LDS jokes; neither one is exactly a knee-slapper and one was rendered downright tacky by 9/11. Oh, OK, since you asked, I’ll share them anyway:
Q: What’s the difference between Mormons and Catholics?
A: Well, the Catholic Church teaches that the Pope is infallible–but none of the members really believe that. The Mormon Church, on the other hand, teaches that the prophet is fallible–but none of the members really believe that.
(Come to think of it, I think this joke was included in a comment somewhere on T & S awhile back.)
And:
A Relief Society President, a high councilor, and a bishop are flying to SLC for a conference when their plane is hijacked. Because they are sitting on the front row, the hijacker decides to make an example of them. He tells the other passengers that to show he means business, he is going to kill them as a warning to the others. But, to show that he is really a decent person, he will grant them each a last wish. He asks the RS Pres what she wants, and through her tears, she says that she wants to sing a hymn. He turns to the HC, who takes a deep breath and says that he’s been working on this talk that he’d like to deliver to the passengers. He finally turns to the bishop, who whispers to the hijacker, “Just kill me after the song.”
We have gathered on this blog some of the finest minds in all of Mormondom. I know you can do better than this. Post your best Mormon jokes.
Sheesh, I’ve heard lots of LDS jokes …
What do you get when you cross a Polock and a Mormon? A year’s supply of garbage in your basement.
You know, they burned A. in the Book of Mormon, not because of what he said, but for how long he spoke.
“Swallow the prophet …
Etc.
St. Peter is giving the new arrivals in heaven a tour of the facilities. They enter a long hallway, and as they arrive at the first of many doors, he opens it and invites everyone to take a peek. Everyone inside is dressed in white robes and playing harps. “These,” explains St. Peter, “are all Catholics. They lived good, pious, Catholic lives during their earthly sojourn, and now they are enjoying their eternal reward.” Further down the hall they stop and peek in through another doorway. “These people,” St. Peter says, motioning the the choir singing hymns inside, “were faithful Lutherans. They lived righteous Lutheran lives, and now they are enjoying their eternal reward.” They continue down the hall, peeking in each door in the same manner, until St. Peter suddenly stops the group short, motions for them to be quiet, and tiptoes silently past one of the doors. “Why did we have to sneak past that room?” someone asks a moment later. “That’s where the Mormons are,” St. Peter explains, “and they think they’re the only ones here.”
Q: What do you get when an LDS takes LSD?
A: High Priest
Q: How many memebrs of the Church does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One for the opening prayer, one to change the lightbulb, one for the closing prayer and one for the refreshments.
Mormon bishop dies and goes to the great beyond, where he is surprised to be met by St. Peter at the Pearly gates. Peter says, I hate to tell you this, but you Mormons have totally been wrong all this time. You need to wait here for the devil, and he’s going to take you down to hell.
The devil comes and gets the bishop and they start their descent into hell. At the first level, the bishop thinks, wow, this is pretty hot and uncomfortable. At the second level he starts complaining. At the third level he is sweating bullets. “This is unbearable.” “Ha!” says the devil. “You’re going down one more level!” They finally get to the next level, encompassed by searing heat. Truly excruciating. The devil smirks, takes out his keys and opens the door….to reveal lush meadows, sparkling streams, and beautiful landscape.
“Damn Mormons” the devil exclaims, “They’ve been irrigating again!”
There’s my brother’s quip: what’s great about being Mormon AND living in Tennessee? You can marry all your cousins!
Well, it’s a Jewish mother joke, but seems apt for some passive aggressive Mormon mothers I have known, too:
How does a Mormon mother change a lightbulb?
She doesn’t. She says “that’s OK, dear, I’ll just sit here in the dark.”
My favorite opening joke by a high councilor was, “If you took all of the Mormons who like to sleep during talks by the high council, and laid them end to end . . . they’d be more comfortable.”
If you go fishing with Mormons, make sure to take at least two along. If you just take one, he’ll drink all your beer.
Hm…so why do all of these jokes make fun of Mormons? Surely there is more to humor than simply dogging groups/individuals?
Ahhh the philosophy of humor. Why is something funny. Why is it often a slam on a person? Who knows?
Rene Descartes famous philospher:
Descartes walks intoa bar. Bartender says “Hey Rene, will it be the usual?”
Rene says “I think not!”
POOF he disapears.
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? Six: One husband to stand in a chair with a lightbulb in his hand and five of his wives standing around him telling him seven different ways to do it.
How many Relief Society teachers does it take to change a light bulb? None; she’ll just make the centerpiece large enough to cover the blown bulb.
Kristine, that’s my Georgia Mormon joke!
Two favorites:
Did you hear about the Mormon empiricist who had identical twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
and…
A Mormon guy in line to get lunch leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a Mormon joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs., and I am an anti-Mormon. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2 tall, weighs 225, and he’s an anti-Mormon. The fella next to him is 6’5 tall, weighs 250, and he’s an anti-Mormon. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it 3 times.”
Steve, Thanks for the twins joke. My twins are scheduled for baptism in two weeks, and I might be able to find a place for that. And that last one has my vote for the funniest so far. Thanks for sharing.
By the way, how about a new category: “Oxymormons”! I’ll start: Nursery Leader.
The pope, a rabbi and the prophet are in a boat stranded. The pope suggests that they attempt to each walk on water to safety. This would allow them to get to shore. They all nervously agree. The rabbi goes first and falls right into the water. The pope goes next. He takes a step off and lands ontop of the water. He proceeds to walk across the water to land. The prophet goes next and also safely walks across the water. When the prophet reaches shore, the pope smiles at him and says, “Well, should we tell the rabbi about the rocks just under the surface?” The prophet looks at him and says, “What rocks?”
No collection of Mormon jokes should leave out the classic:
The Pope gets a phone call from the Lord. His secretary answers and listens for a few moments. He looks at the Pope and says, “Pope, the Lord is on the line. He wants to speak with you. It seems that there is good news and bad news.”
“Well, what is it?” the Pope asks.
“The good news is that that the Second Coming is happening very soon.”
“That’s wonderful!! What’s the bad news!?!”
“He’s calling from Salt Lake.”
And that one has to be followed up with:
A man goes to China and asks to speak with God. He is shown a white telephone and told the call will cost $1000.
He then goes to Rome and asks to speak with God. He is shown a white telephone and told the call will cost $500.
He then goes to Salt Lake and asks to speak with God. He is shown a white telephone and told the call will cost 50 cents.
“Why so little?” he asks. “It was way more expensive in China and Rome!”
“Well, from here, it’s a local call.”
Okay – this seems like a fairly safe thread to put my first post in.
A Mormon guy goes to Heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and says: “Welcome to Heaven – here’s your Home Teaching list.” The man looks at it and sees that there are 29 families on the list!
He turns to St. Peter and says “How can I possibly teach 29 families every month! I’ll be home teaching nearly every day.”
St. Peter tells the man he is free to go visit Hell and see if it is more to his liking.
The Man does, and Satan greets him at the gates of Hell. “Welcome to Hell. If you decide to stay, here is your home teaching list.”
The man looks at the list and sees there are only two families on it.
“Why the difference? Why so many fewer families on my list down here.”
“Oh,” replied Satan, “We have a lot of home teachers down here.”
Okay – another one, not as good.
An LDS Man gets to Heaven and St. Peter notices the man had perfect Home Teaching 10 months out of the year. When asked why it was only ten months, the man replied “I never felt comfortable Home Teaching on Halloween and New Years Eve.”
Here’s one I heard from one of my sisters:
Q: What’s the difference between taking a bath in dirty water and dating a Returned Missionary?
A: They both get all over you, but the dirty water will at least leave a ring afterwards.
That’s good for now.
I say we also start a “Mormon joke of the month” club, and I nominate Steve Evan’s to win for either of his, but especially for the second.
Ron McBride passed away and entered the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted him and escorted him to a beautiful home with a banner of the U outside. Ron was very impressed. Upon looking around however, he saw a magnificent awe-inspiring mansion up on the hill with a BYU banner out front. His feelings a little hurt, McBride asked St. Peter “Why does Lavell get such a bigger place?” “Oh, that’s no Lavell’s house…”
Okay, so it’s not so much a mormon joke, but funny nevertheless. One can fill in any rival of any school obviously.
Paul,
I’ve heard that one from other schools, but I think it’s funnier with BYU/Utah because of the religious overtones we fans often give the rivalry.
A young couple is beside themselves because their baby boy cries all through Sacrament Meeting each week. On Sunday, the Bishop approaches them before the meeting and offers to help. He takes the baby into his office and emerges a few minutes later, saying “I think your problem is solved now.” Sure enough, the baby sleeps soundly all through the Sacrament Meeting. The amazed parents seek out the Bishop and ask what he did to the baby while in his office. The Bishop replied: “I ordained him a high priest.”
Recently atop the new 60 story building being constructed in down town Salt lake City the following was overheard:
“Hey Mac, come over here to the edge with me; what’s your name?”
“I’m Ralph, who are you?”
“Well, Ralph, I’m Jeff, sent here by the prophet to bring good news, are you a member of the priesthood, Ralph?”
“Yea, sure, Melchizedek in fact, Why Jeff?”
“Well, Ralph, do you recall how Jesus walked on water? Well, the prophet has been given the keys to walk on air and extends it to all the priesthood. Here, watch this.”
Jeff steps off the ledge and walks out about ten feet and stands there in mid air.
“Wow!” says Ralph, “Do you mean I can do that?”
“Certainly”, replies Jeff, “Just make a leap of faith.”
Ralph takes a step from the ledge and plunges screaming to the pavement 60 floors below. Jeff walks back to the building and calls to another worker, “Hey, Mac, come over here.”
Meanwhile on the street a passerby notices the occasional rain of bodies and approaches an apparently unconcerned worker nearby,
“Say, didn’t you see several workers falling from above?”
“Oh yea, it’s just Superman screwing around with the Mormons again.”
A gentleman named phattcoug, if that’s his real name, posted this joke over at cougarboard.com
(the link is http://www.cougarboard.com/noframes/message.html?id=707308)
“Brother Jones,” a member of the high council, was travelling on assignment early one beautiful spring morning to a ward in a far-reaching section of the stake. He drove past his favorite golf course, which had been under renovation all through the winter months, and noticed a “GRAND RE-OPENING” sign being hung over the entrance.
With barely a moment’s hesitation, he screeched on the brakes, turned around, and headed up the driveway to the clubhouse. “That bishop doesn’t want me snooping around his ward today anyway,” he told himself.
Br. Jones couldn’t believe his good fortune. Here he was on the most beautiful day of the year, getting set to play his favorite course, that had just been re-opened after many months of re-conditioning!
The first hole was a par-4 – long fairway shot. Br. Jones teed up and let fly – a beautiful, strait drive. It bounced, then rolled – and plop, right in the cup!
The second hole was a par 3 – 175 yard fairway, with the newly-remodeled green now an island in the middle of a beautiful lagoon. No way was Br. Jones going to lay up. He hit his drive, and the ball landed right in the cup!
The rest of his round continued in the same manner.
Meanwhile, Br. Jones’ guardian angel was getting quite disturbed over this chain of events. He flew straight up to heaven, where he was met by St. Peter.
“Peter! I’ve got to report to someone about what Br. Jones is doing!” he exclaimed.
Peter smiled, and said “We know all about it.”
The angel replied, “Well, are you going to let it continue unpunished? Should you tell The Boss?”
Peter smiled again, “The Boss is fully aware. Who do you think is responsible for Br. Jones’ perfect round of golf?”
The angel was perplexed. “You mean to tell me The Boss is not only condoning Br. Jones’ actions, but he’s blessing him with the perfect round of golf? WHY?”
Peter smiled yet again, but this time, with a devlish gleam in his eye. “Just who do you suppose Br. Jones is going to be able to tell about this?”