What the Smith Boys Said This Year

Previous installments can be accessed through this link.

This year, Simon turned ten, Nathan turned seven, and Truman turned four.

5.13.07 (yes, this is from last year; but it simply can’t be lost to the ages)
Nathan turns on, but cannot figure out how to turn off, the ice cream dispenser at the Chinese restaurant. Much hilarity ensues.

Simon announces his plan to use reverse sinology on Truman.

Truman, upon crawling into bed with Julie: “Open your eyes! Talk with me!”

Julie, to a friend: “Oh, I covet your Christmas tree! It’s gorgeous!”
Nathan: “Mom, I thought you were familiar with the Ten Commandments.”

Truman to Julie, in church: “Mom, I want to check your hair for bugs.”

Nathan: “Mom, when we go to the store, can I get some eggs?”
Julie: “What for?”
Nathan: “I want to learn how to juggle.”

Julie: “Was yesterday Christmas?”
Truman: “No—it has to snow to be Christmas!”

Derrick: “Why are you throwing all of the bananas into the trashcan?”
Truman: “Because they don’t work. I can’t open them.”

Truman: “How long until Christmas?”

Nathan: “Mom, can I have a flamethrower?”
Julie: “Nathan, you’re so cute. I’m glad you are my kid.”
Nathan: “You’re trying to change the subject, aren’t you?”

Simon, in a toga, with an accent: “I am Caesar Augustus! And I decree that from now on, all children in this house may consume candy at their pleasure!”

Truman: “I want broccoli for lunch. JUST broccoli.” (He wasn’t joking.)

Julie woke up to discover Truman hiding under the kitchen table with a half-eaten bag of marshmallows. Truman: “Next time, don’t look under the table.”

Derrick has confiscated a sword from Truman and is trying to talk to him about his behavior. Truman is tugging on the sword with all of his might. Simon, in his best Merlin voice: “I am sorry, my son, but it appears that you are not the one to remove this sword from the stone.”

Nathan: “Mom, have you ever known anyone to unexpectedly combust?”
Julie: “I don’t think so.”
Nathan: “That’s a relief.”

Nathan: “Dad, was I ever a grub?”

Derrick: “What’s a composite number?”
Simon: “An old number—no longer in its prime!”

Truman: “Daddy, I want to be a spider and spin a giant web and catch a bus!”

Julie: “Where’s Nathan?”
Simon: “He’s having technical difficulties.”
Julie: “What does that mean exactly?”
Simon: “I don’t know. But it’s just something that you hear a lot and know what kind of situation to use it in.”

Nathan: “I think Teletubbies should be off TV because they go around all smiley and give kids the wrong idea . . . there’s bad stuff out there that they never warn you about . . . like a tiger could eat you.”

Nathan, to a random adult at church, apropos of nothing: “Do you know why I love my dad?”
Random adult: “Why?
Nathan: “Because he served a mission to Japan and that’s where Pokemon comes from.”

Simon, about to put his face in the empty donut box: “I will now glean the fields.”

Julie and Derrick are pretend arguing for Simon’s benefit. Derrick pauses.
Simon: “Dad! Quick! Think of a retort or mom will win!”

Nathan: “Since I’m not going to college, can I have that money in my allowance?”

Nathan: “Hey, mom, could we . . . oh, never mind. That would be asking too much.”

Simon, presented with some math problems that required him to find the errors and correct them: “My job is to make errors, not fix them!”

Truman, looking in the mirror: “Why are there two eyes? Just to be fancy!”

Julie: “We’re going to do a project where you might get dirty—so wear clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty.”
Simon and Nathan, in unison and without skipping a beat: “We’ll wear church clothes!”

Nathan, to the waitress at SuperSalad: “May I see the wine list?”

Julie points out to Nathan that his handwriting lesson on question marks needs improvement.
Nathan: “Mom, I’m not a professional question mark writer!”

Nathan: “Is it OK to sell fake insurance?”
Julie: “No.”
Nathan: “Drat. I was going to have an insurance stand.”

Truman, screaming in the car for ten minutes: “I DON’T WANT TO GO!”
Julie: “Truman?”
Truman is finally quiet.
Julie: “Do you want to go?”
Truman: “No.”
Julie: “Why didn’t you say something?”
Truman: (silence)
Nathan and Simon die laughing.

Truman, two days after we get home: “Can we go back to Florida?”

Nathan: “For my birthday, can I have a time machine?”

Truman burps.
Truman: “I burped. And no excuse me.”

Nathan: “I’m going to torment Truman.”
Julie: “Please don’t.”
Truman: “It’s OK. He can torment me.”

Julie tried to pin down the source of Simon’s new four-letter word.
Julie: “Where did you learn that?”
Simon: “At church.”

Nathan, in robot costume and voice: “My planet is in danger. We need smoky bacon cheddar potato chips to survive.”
Julie: “Nathan, finish cleaning your room!”
Nathan: “Who is ‘Nathan’ and what is a ‘room’?”

Nathan: “Are scythes in fashion?”

Nathan made a Mother’s Day card at church. Next to the little poem about the flower, he wrote, “I would kill for you.”

Truman, looking at the tile on the kitchen floor: “I HATE these triangles!”

Simon: “I think the two most evil things in the world are nuclear bombs and squash soup.”

Truman, unable to open the lotion: “Mom, will you help me with this darn thing?”

Truman: “I am going to change my name to George.”

Nathan: “I want to invent an airbag for computers so people won’t break their noses if they fall asleep in their cubicles.”

Nathan, with reference to the people in Moses’ time: “I wonder why God was good to these people—they were really pushing their luck!”

Nathan: “There’s only two things that I am afraid of: high ceilings and kissing.”

Truman said something about Firefox.
Simon: “Firefox? What do you know about Firefox? I’ll Firefox you, young man!”

Truman: “Mom, can we give up electricity?”
Julie: “Why?”
Truman: “Because I just hate light!”

Truman, at 8:54am: “I’m so sick of this day!”

Nathan: “Mom, at my birthday party can we have advanced water balloons where we fill them with syrup?”

Truman, indignant: “Mom! Nathan called me an ‘adios’ and then he ran away!”

Julie: “You’re delicious! Can I nibble on you?”
Truman: “But I’m skin and bones!”

Nathan: “Mom! Simon destroyed my aerodynamics experiment and he deserves to die!”

Truman is studying the cover of a book called Asleep in the Stable.
Derrick: “What’s happening in this picture?”
Truman: “I think the cows stole the baby.”
Derrick: “I think it is the baby Jesus asleep in the manger, the place that animals eat from.”
Truman: “Why did the cows steal the baby Jesus?”

Truman, after his first big ride at the waterpark: “I didn’t like that . . . it was scary
. . . can we do it again?”

Julie: “Tru, you’re such a good boy!”
Truman sings at the top of his lungs.
Julie: “Too loud!”
Truman: “See? I’m not a good boy.”

Nathan to Julie: “Are you sure your back really hurts and this isn’t just something to get us to do your work for you?”

Truman: “I tried to read this book but it didn’t work!”

Truman, on his upcoming birthday: “But I don’t want to be a different number!”

Truman in announcing his assent to the addition of salsa to his eggs: “Yes! And maybe a little Ranch dressing and howabout some mustard and maybe a little ketchup!”

Truman, later: “I’m full. Can I have a pickle?”

Nathan: “Why isn’t the man who invented the yo-yo considered to be the most important man in the world?”

Nathan: “How does soldiers killing each other solve the world’s problems?”

Simon: “No one should ever have to choose between chocolate and peanut butter!”

Julie, re the oil change: “This is taking forever!”
Nathan: “Should we sue them?”

Simon, re Halloween: “That was worth waiting 365 days for!”

Truman: “I hate the feel of Nathan’s skin.”

Nathan: “So if you lose your birth certificate, do you have to be born all over again?”

Nathan: “The great thing about Truman is that he’s so little he’ll believe anything.”

Truman on the phone from Florida: “Hello . . . and goodbye.”

Truman: “I thought when I was on my Florida trip that the brothers already growed up to a man.”

Truman: “In Florida, I had cake for dinner.”
(careful questioning determines that he had crab cakes)

Nathan: “I am now officially bored. I have a certificate upstairs.”
Julie: “Bored boys get jobs to do.”
Nathan: “I am now having the time of my life.”

Simon, upon entering the room where his mother and grandmother were playing Scrabble, said in his best British accent and a stage whisper: “Ah, and here we see two females of the species, locked in mortal combat. . . “

19 comments for “What the Smith Boys Said This Year

  1. ben
    November 29, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Amazing! My wife and I just giggled reading over these for the last fifteen minutes. Thanks for sharing.

    My favorite: “Nathan made a Mother’s Day card at church. Next to the little poem about the flower, he wrote, “I would kill for you.”

  2. Kevin Barney
    November 29, 2008 at 3:41 pm

    I love these, Julie, and I’m always impressed that you manage to keep a running log of them throughout the year.

    I was going to write that “I would kill for you” was my favorite line, but I see ben beat me to it. So I’ll just second him.

  3. meems
    November 29, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    Thank you thank you thank you, Julie! I look forward to these great posts!! You and your kids are great!

  4. meems
    November 29, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    Not to be boorish, but I reread them and have to reiterate: I love Julie and her kids. I love you I say!

  5. November 29, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    Julie, I chuckled to myself the whole list through, but the last two entries got me laughing out loud. I love your kids! Thanks for sharing this.


  6. November 29, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    Sounds like someone’s kids are quoting a lot of Calvin and Hobbes…

  7. LiberalSlayer
    November 29, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    Sorry Julie,
    But, I’m thinking about mailing a couple dozen eggs to Nathan.
    Inventiveness like that should be rewarded. :)

  8. November 29, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    Hilarious and delightful! So fun to read these. I’m impressed with such sharp and witty young boys! Thanks for sharing the laughs.

  9. November 29, 2008 at 8:00 pm

    Appropos #7 – let’s mail him these. Julie will never know.

  10. November 29, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    I meant, these.

  11. Mark B.
    November 29, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Tell that kid it was leap year! He had to wait 366 days for Halloween!

    Great stuff as always, Julie.

  12. Ray
    November 30, 2008 at 12:17 am

    Nathan, to the waitress at SuperSalad: “May I see the wine list?”

    I love these posts every year, Julie, but that statement might be my favorite of all time.

  13. November 30, 2008 at 1:38 am

    Truman: “Why did the cows steal the baby Jesus?”

    That’s a profound question I’ve been wondering about for years.

  14. November 30, 2008 at 2:44 am

    These are so hilarious! I look forward to them every year.

  15. CS Eric
    November 30, 2008 at 11:34 am


    These are some of my favorite posts every year. Where do I get a certificate of boredom?

  16. anita
    November 30, 2008 at 12:53 pm

    I hope you print and bind these someday for a fabulous family record: “What the Smith boys said throughout the years…” What clever, funny kids!

  17. November 30, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    I agree with everything your kids said this year. (And these posts are awesome)

  18. December 1, 2008 at 12:50 am

    As the mother of three boys (ages 6, 2 and 1) I look forward to more episodes like the ones you’ve quoted.

    My favorite:
    Nathan: “Why isn’t the man who invented the yo-yo considered to be the most important man in the world?”
    Really, why isn’t he?

  19. December 1, 2008 at 1:47 am

    I look forward to these every year. And I officially want to bring back arranged marriages so my girls get to marry your boys. Truman might even almost deserve Madame Chaos (who also regularly tells me not to watch her do naughty things).

Comments are closed.