REPORT OF THE SPECIAL JOINT TASK FORCE OF THE INTERNATIONAL RED CROSS AND THE UNITED NATIONS WAR CRIMES COMMITTEE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO:
THE GENERAL BODY OF THE UNITED NATIONS
MAJOR MEDIA OUTLETS
THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT
FEDERAL AND LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES
After receiving repeated intelligence items regarding the activities of a cell (whose membership was believed to be composed of a Simon Smith [aged 7], Nathan Smith [aged 4], and Truman Smith [aged 10 months]), a joint task force of the International Red Cross and the United Nations War Crimes Committee was appointed by the General Investigator for War Crimes of the United Nations and has spent the last six months engaged in the investigation of allegations against the cell with regards to violations of the Geneva Convention. After multiple interviews with the parties involved and eyewitnesses as well as on-site monitoring of the situation, the results of the inquiry are as follows:
–The committee completely rejects the position that calling the individuals in question ‘parents’ as opposed to ‘captives’ relieves the cell of responsibility for observing the Geneva Convention.
–Similarly, the claim that the cell has not formally declared a state of war does not change their obligation to comply with Geneva Convention requirements, especially since the female captive repeatedly described the situation as ‘like a state of war.’
–The Geneva Convention specifically forbids “outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment.” The violations upon the personal dignity of both the male and the female captive are too numerous to list; however, the following is a representative sample observed by or reported to the joint task force during the investigation period:
(a) Continual and ongoing invasions of privacy, particularly when the female captive attempts to meet personal bodily needs or the male and female captive attempt conjugal relations.
(b) Repeated instances of humiliating the female captive during public excursions, particularly by displaying behavior that suggests that the female captive is incompetent in her duties and/or by revealing information garnered from the captives to people for whom it was not intended (“My mom says that you drink too much.”).
(c) Indiscriminate application of bodily fluid to the captors, including but not limited to saliva, vomitus, urine, and feces.
(d) Requiring unpaid labor (particularly on the part of the female captive) for the maintenance of the group, including many tasks universally classified as ‘degrading’ such as: cleaning saliva-covered cereal pieces out of the track of the sliding glass door, cleaning a toilet used regularly by a four-year-old boy, and maintaining the high chair used by the smallest cell member in a socially acceptable state.
(e) The cell has a tradition of requiring annual photographs of the cell with its captors. The circumstances surrounding the taking of the photos always cause extreme psychological distress to the captives and include but are not limited to: requiring the captives to maintain the cell’s clothing in a clean and smooth condition while the cell uses many subversive tactics to destroy the clothing, attempting to hide from the captives at the photography location, causing psychological distress to the photographer which in turn humiliates the female captive, and forcing the captives to maintain uncomfortable physical positions during the photography session.
–The Geneva Convention specifically forbids “taking of hostages.” Since one captive must be with the cell at all times, they are de facto hostages to them. Similarly, the Geneva Convention mandates that “the wounded and sick shall be collected and cared for,” yet the incessant demands of the cell have created a situation where the captives must continue to meet those demands even when sick or wounded and therefore results in the violation of this clause.
–The Geneva Convention specifically forbids “violence to life and person.” There is evidence of violence in the following forms: biting the female captive while nursing, jumping on sleeping captives, applying full body weight to hanging off of the limbs of captives, severe and persistent sleep deprivation, and requiring the captives to carry one of the cell members for hours at a time in a “Snugli” (which, according to multiple intelligence reports, is a torture device devised by the cell).
The joint task force’s conclusion is as follows: there is abundant, sufficient, and varied evidence that the cell in question is guilty of prolonged and repeated human rights violations against the captives and is in serious breach of many subsections of the Geneva Convention. We therefore recommend immediate action.
I’m sure glad that my cell dissolved several years ago. Now, my former cell members are each starting their own cells, although one is a “solitary” cell and the other simply has a female captor and no other cell members at the present time.
Rough day at church today?
What a one-sided press report. Respondents entirely fail to mention the countersuit filed by members of the alleged “cell,” stating their own view that various violations have been inflicted on them. To wit:
Don’t believe the one-sided reports that the mainstream bloggernacle media is reporting! Support the Smith Three! The people united will never be divided! No binky, no peace!
Julie, I dare you to submit this to the International Criminal Court in the Hague. I double dog dare you. (Probably wouldn’t be the wackiest complaint they’ve gotten either….)
In mitigation, the cell members humbly submit that any alleged invasions of privacy of complainants which result in interruption or non-commencement of conjugal relations between complainants has the potential consequence of preventing a potential increase in the size of the cell and a concomitant increase in the gross number of terrorist activities carried out by the cell.
Don’t you realize this kind of treatment breeds more terrorists?
I once had 6 captives and I was afraid they would escape captivity. I now fear they may return to captivity and wreak revenge.